The three genders
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[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
This pepper has seen some shit
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Wait a second…
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”