I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
You Might Also Like
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now