[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
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rich people when they have to pay taxes
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
philosophical skeletons be like
getting groceries
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.