If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
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Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Kids, do not try this at home!
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.