Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
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One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
I put the p in pants.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
I gave up going to work for lent.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts