It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
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I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
shampoo implies shampee
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.