Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
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Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
This has made my week.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like