I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
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My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
lol
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
a god among men
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect