The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
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“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.