Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
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*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
#parenting
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS