I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
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TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.
Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.