I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
You Might Also Like
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
I’m already scared
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.