Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
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If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
If you breakdance you buy dance.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.