Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
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I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax