My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
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ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here