I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
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HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
Cucumbers Anonymous
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.