I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
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I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest