Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
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Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
My whole life was a lie.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.