Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just need a shovel and a good alibi.

Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse

Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.

If you need me, I’ll be in the closet

[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]

HARRY: Hey

SALLY: Sup

*roll credits*

What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?

Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.

There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given

My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”

Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”

[lightning strike super close to our house]

5-year-old: Missed me.

“Why am I so thirsty?”

*Flashback to me eating half a ham*

“Oh, right”

Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”

what my late-night hot pocket sees

Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋

Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway

Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.

If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed

At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose

Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.

People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.

I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!

*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.

[being murdered]

me: this is free, right?

Me: Coke please

Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?

Me: Why yes, yes it is

Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.

You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink

Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest

Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.

I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.

When kids say they’re bored…

new parent: let’s go outside

seasoned parent: go clean something

Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:

“He’s showing signs of improving”

“He’s a beast”

“He just has to keep those interceptions low”

“It’s been a wild season”

“Yeah they’re so stacked”

“Yeah that offensive line”

Lol I don’t know shit about football.

I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER

I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.

imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.