My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
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Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
same energy
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life