[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
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haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
How wrong was this guy?
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
#FunnyLife Insects
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.