By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
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Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today