Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
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My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*