Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
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home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
Ugh
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.