A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
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Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
this is funnier than any friends episode
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.