coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
You Might Also Like
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
181.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
#Thanos #MondayMood
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
excuse me
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”