[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
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A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
congratulations to them
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.