If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
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Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”