Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
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[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely