A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
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Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
an octopus is just a wet spider
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
The smoothest fall of all time
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
New Tinder profile.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
I cannot call her anything else now
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.