My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
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I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.