What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
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What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!