Love when a doctor emails me about my “outstanding bill” if it’s so good why don’t YOU pay it
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Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
me as a parent
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
My 10 year old:
If nothing is faster than the speed of light, how did darkness get there first?
Me: WHAT?!
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Nothing is more important to me than my family. They’re the only ones who get my references.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
I’ve had worse
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.