Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
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Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*