going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
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*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
mom had nothing to worry about
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —