“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
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“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
Ummm
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.