*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
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Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
never compromise your values
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
Me, scrolling to find my birth year