… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
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[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
How to woo a woman
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶