Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
You Might Also Like
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
I know a bad idea when I see one.