Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
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I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
I will never stop laughing at this
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling