How is it still this week?
You Might Also Like
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.