Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
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It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.