If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
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[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Look at this
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
I’m going to need a moment here.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.