doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
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Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
A friend helps you before you need it
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit