SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
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[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Strangers have the best candy.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
Art by Pastelkatto
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.