Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
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Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.