If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
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People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*