[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
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Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living