HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
You Might Also Like
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?