Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
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Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
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Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.